Modern tribesLife and style‘Well, I find textiles extremely offensive, but I’m not telling you to take your cardigan off or I’ll call the police. Live and let live, I say’

Excuse me, don’t scream – look, I’ll stand sideways on. No, I’m not the naked rambler, I’m from the bike ride; see, that’s my unicycle there, the chain went outside Budgens and I got left behind, so if you could point me towards the park and ride?

Course I’ve got pants, no, I’m not putting them on – see, it says on my chest, I’m naked and free, so if I wear pants, that’s just going to look completely stupid, isn’t it? Actually, it’s not illegal, or only if you’re causing offence. Well, I find textiles extremely offensive, but I’m not telling you to take your cardigan off or I’ll call the police. Live and let live, I say; I’m not going to judge you, in that disgusting cardigan, though you don’t know what you’ve missed until you’ve ridden naked down a busy high street on a Saturday afternoon – most natural thing in the world. Some of the looks we got in Chelmsford, you’d think we were the exhibitionists, not them, shoving their fleeces in our faces. Like it says here – a bit farther down – relax, it’s a penis not a gun, we’re all naked underneath our clothes. I’ve never felt so at ease with my body until I started showing it to hundreds of complete strangers.

Correct, I’m wearing a hat. Am I supposed to burn? And boots. Would you walk on that pavement barefoot? We’re naturists, not idiots. And my bottom’s fine, thanks, but for that one welt, though if you bind a towel round the seat, the friction is minimal. If I wore shorts, my penis wouldn’t be free, would it? As God intended, look at Adam and Eve, that proves He created naturism. And central heating. Think about it: if we were meant to wear clothes, wouldn’t we have been born in them?

Well, if it’s cold, that’s different. That’s why I drove here from Scotland. And I don’t want the textiles in the office to see me, not till we’ve won the right to go naked at work. You haven’t got any duct tape, before I go – don’t scream – just to secure the towel where it’s chafing down below?

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