A few months ago, I went through a phase where I would wake up just a few minutes before my boyfriend. I would sit up and look at his sideswept brown hair and full lips as his skin shimmered in the early morning sunlight, which had filtered through the threadbare curtains of our bedroom. Sometimes, I would stroke the bridge of his small, snub nose, and plant a gentle kiss on the top of his forehead.
Now, if I wake up early in the morning and look to my left-hand side, I am greeted by his jagged toenails and his hairy legs. A lot has changed over the last few months. There are no early kisses or nose rubs, for one; the biggest change being that we broke up and are now sleeping top-to-toe in our one-bed flat.
It was a civil split – we agreed we wanted different things and we wished each other well. But it’s been far from a clean break; work commitments, sick parents and the soaring cost of living crisis means we are stuck together in our compact one bed flat, sleeping top to toe in bed because our sofa is by no means a suitable nor comfortable long-term option for either of us.
I am not alone when it comes to the awkward rental rumba myself and my ex find ourselves reluctantly dancing. A survey by Zoopla conducted last year found over a third of couples are forced to live together for an average of over a year – 47 per cent said they could not afford to move out, while more than a third (37 per cent) said they had no savings when they broke up. This number rises to 46 per cent of the women surveyed and is only set to rise further as the cost of living crisis rumbles on.
“People might feel they have to financially stay in an unhappy relationship for a huge number of reasons,” explains Rowan Harding, a financial Planner at Path Financial. “There’s a fear of stepping away and being financially independent, they may never have previously had their own earned income or budgeted or run a household, or they might not want to make the changes they may have to make to their lifestyle, along with the consideration of failure and how that is perceived.”
It's something that has seen Stephanie*, an artist in her late twenties, remain feeling trapped in her marriage with her significantly richer husband. After their four year marriage broke down, following a string of infidelities, Stephanie took time to consider whether divorce would be the best option.
However, her significantly smaller salary meant she would be unable to afford a place of her own – particularly as she suspected her husband may have started hiding assets if they did choose to part ways.
“If I’m honest, I had become accustomed to a higher quality of life too," Stephanie explains. "On my own, I simply wouldn’t be able to afford a house, or the lifestyle I currently lead.
"We’ve always been quite guarded when it comes to money, and I know he has shares in crypto – quite how much, I’m not sure.
“It means I’m already on the backfoot, which is why I genuinely can’t consider divorce any time soon.”
The way many monogamous relationships are split can lead to financial uncertainty, explains Harding.
“Within most relationships people tend to automatically take on different roles - organiser, admin, finances, childcare, main earner,” she says.
“This can lead to an imbalance in skills and knowledge between a couple, as one person will be proficient at managing the finances and the other will have had minimal opportunity to learn. Sometimes it is deliberate, as one or both people in the relationship may not want to learn how to be financially literate.”
Stephanie and her husband may be trying to give things another go, but for others forced to share living quarters when a break-up is less amicable, the ongoing simmering resentment can make flatsharing unbearable.
It’s the situation Euan*, 30, found himself in after he parted ways with his girlfriend of three years. The break-up, done one evening after a mini-break together, came as a surprise to Euan’s partner. Euan, meanwhile, admitted it was something he had been considering for a while.
With Euan’s family home being outside the capital, and with his work being office-based, he was determined to remain in their flat. However, his ex-girlfriend also refused to leave. As desperate as they were to go their separate ways, the financial constraints of their rental contract meant they were both forced to stay put.
“It was awful,” Euan recalls. “We couldn’t be in the same room without making digs at each other. I think she took it far worse. I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t afford to shell out for a new room in a new house share, plus keep paying rent. I could barely scrape together the money for a deposit.”
Euan and his ex-partner are based in London, where the average monthly rent has soared to an eye-watering £2,500 a month. Meanwhile, renting website SpareRoom has found demand for rooms now outstrips supply – allowing prices to rocket further.
Thankfully for Euan, his flat had two bedrooms, meaning he wasn’t forced to top to toe or switch to the sofa for the long term – but that doesn’t mean it made living together comfortable.
“It was such a relief when the contract ended and we could move on,” Euan confesses. “Break-ups are already painful enough, but the added financial pressure just made things so much worse.”
However, with the cost of living showing no signs of abating anytime soon, having to bunker down with an ex, no matter how painful the break-up, looks to be an increasingly common phenomenon.
“Living with an ex after a breakup can be challenging, but maintaining civility is essential for your mental health and your ex's,” explains Jessica Alderson, the Co-Founder and Relationship Expert at dating app So Syncd. ‘The key is to communicate and set clear boundaries. Establishing ground rules like respecting each other's space and avoiding sensitive topics can help to keep the peace.
“Allowing for a little bit of distance can give you space to heal, so it's important to remember that setting limits is not a sign of disrespect.”
Alderson continues: "Engaging in activities or spending time with friends outside of your living space can help take to clear your head and avoid unnecessary tension. If both of you focus on taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally, it can make the transition a little easier. Having an end date in mind can also be beneficial for your mental health.
"Remember that your ex is likely feeling the after-effects of your breakup too, and allowing yourself to empathise with them can help the situation. Having compassion for yourself and your ex can make living together easier and promote an understanding atmosphere.
“It's important to accept that it's okay to feel uncomfortable or frustrated during the process. Living with an ex after a breakup can be difficult—don't feel like you need to pretend otherwise.”
*names have been changed
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